3.00-14.00 = 11 hr sleep, restaurant (fat pizza, 1 1/2, took friend’s half) + felt hungry after yesterday. Watched movies at another friend’s where it smells of cigarettes.
— “8 7 16”
These were the first lines in my first diary, which I lovingly called “N”, after the post-roman era notation of “zero”; nulla. At the time I had been shaken awake by my first attempt at dating, where I tried to escape the dreaded friend zone, and had been religiously copying large swathes of text from red-pill bloggers and youtubers as to never have this tragedy happen to me again — and the holy scriptures I had thus written were dubbed “I”, “II” and “III”, three 80-page A4 notebooks with 8mm line height. This diary was my fourth work of attempted ascendance to boyfriendhood when I dubbed it “N”, but beforehand it was just an Office depot 192-page A5 notebook with an expensive-looking, rough and dark blue cover.
11 hr sleep
Diary entries reflect your mind at the time of writing. At the time I was intrigued with noting sleep- and wake times, so a big part of this entry is the time notation. A quick calculation was also added, I slept 11 hours. At the time of writing I had no idea that I would go back a few months later to underline this 11 hours – seemingly to make a statement about my mental state at the time. In the meantime, about three years, I have taken note of every daily sleep/wake time and this entry clearly reflects that determination even in the wee hours of my diary-taking adventures.
fat pizza
Next up, a trip between brackets. At the time I was quite intrigued with the effects of food on mood, as you are when questioning your entire existence on the basis of your first romantic rejection. I figured that fat, it’s got to go. It makes you feel lazy and the next day, so I thought, you become frustrated. After significant efforts to research this topic I have come to the final conclusion that I have absolutely no clue whether this is true. But more importantly, I have more or less stopped caring, and can now gladly lay back and read my funny previous beliefs and hypotheses about something as simple and complex as fat.
It’s not even a question of whether you had some very strange ideas about life, it’s more a question how many of them are still yours. Over time I have more or less worked away the red-pill mentality I so tightly held on to at the start. I am glad that it took me just one short episode of dating to find out red-pill just ain’t me. I quietly cringe at the deep and profound realizations I write in my diary on the subject. Diaries are confrontational in providing you with your history – never do this again, as it doesn’t work.
took friend’s half
Information in diaries is about the mundane, the dumb little notices that meant nothing at the time and still do not, but which so clearly build your character. About this reunion I had with my middle school friends, I did not care one bit to describe any of the people there. Not one word about their studies, their lives and living environment. Not a single whisper suggesting enjoyment or even dissatisfaction about the event. Instead, an elaborate account of the amount of pizza and whom offered the extra pieces of pizza. What I value in a friend is an additional half pizza.
Arguably, during the event we had talked for tens of minutes about the intricacies of C#, our favourite programming language which he had mastered over several years of practice and which I had written a few words in. Writing this down however was not considered important enough. I had limited space to work with after all, that would be probably five lines out of 192 pages. Another account of this disgusting preference for sustainable paper I had prepared during my 80-page A4 notebook writing days is the fact that I had started my writing nearly a full text line above the first visible line to save space, and I had taken it upon myself to fit two lines of text within the 8mm apart guide lines, a tradition continued to fit 2.5 lines of text at page 24, 3 lines at page 28, 3.5 lines by page 35 and a staggering 4 lines of text at page 36!
+ felt hungry after yesterday
A common occurrence in my life otherwise difficult to notice is my constant hunger. I have been suggested several times by friends, family and strangers to visit a doctor and get tested for such unexplainable diseases as gluten intolerance, diabetes and anorexia. I have scoured much literature to build up a nice list of diseases or symptoms I might also have, including iron deficiency anaemia and Graves disease. Do I actually have these diseases? I doubt it, and my GP has never cared enough to test them based on my descriptions. I’m just not eating enough.
Watched movies at another friend’s
I was not entirely honest with myself regarding the movies watched at another friend – me and my pizza-offering friend did in fact watch the full Totally Spies library at that point available on Netflix after admitting to a strong love for the show. My favourite was probably Clover, as I could see myself being the kind to chase around hot men on a Beverly Hills college campus. The others disagreed, as they arguably should, but my mind was set on dating, holding hands and kissing, the works.
where it smells of cigarettes
Cigarettes have been a constant not only in my life but probably the lives of many around the globe. My mother in particular has had her fair share of second hand cigarette smoke during her time in university, along with uncles who smoked awful smelling cigars granting her and her brothers diseases after they had visited. My general opinion on cigarettes is thus fairly negative and I tend to blame many of the sinus, throat and ear infections I invariably catch on a weekly- to monthly basis on smokers.
While I am unsure people think of diary entries in the same way as I have detailed in this post, I am myself pleasantly surprised when opening my diary a few months after I.. shudder.. jot down a few paragraphs detailing my life in the moment, and I find a well-detailed and thought through viewpoint I can no longer agree with. Or, even if I can see something I still agree with, it gives me a good view of my character. Honestly, I wouldn’t want to share an island with the guy I was a few months ago – he’s kind of nuts.
QuestionBae 